by Caroline Russell Smith, LCSW, PACT Level 2 and
Karen Berry, PhD, PACT Certified Therapist
It is amazing how much can go wrong in the first 30 seconds of a sexual encounter! When couples come into my office to address differences in sexual desire, I reassure them that these differences are normal in long-term relationships and that I can help. Then, because PACT is the “show-me therapy,” I invite the partner who usually initiates sex to show me how they do it, and I ask the other partner to show me how they decline. I am curious to see if they use guilt, threat and/or manipulation to steer each other, strategies that guarantee rotten sex or no sex at all. The following vignette shows how couples can change their first 30 seconds using the PACT approach and develop the skills necessary for erotic growth.
I ask Sandra and Bob, married for 25 years with significant desire differences for the past 15, to show me how things go at home. Sandra starts off by sitting on my couch and scrolling on her phone as she typically does after dinner. Bob swiftly strides over, stands over her, and says, “Hey, it’s been more than a month since we’ve done anything. Do you want to have some us-time tonight?”
Sandra looks up at him, her expression a bit flat except for a slight widening of her eyes and replies, “No, not tonight.” Then she quickly returns to her phone. Bob’s jaw and shoulders tighten. They both look at me expectantly.
“Wow,” I say. “There is so much happening between you. Let’s slow things down a bit. Please would you repeat this exchange and allow me to pause you at various points?” Bob walks over and again petitions Sandra with the same words. Before she can answer I say, “Pause. Bob, as you look at Sandra right now what do you think she is feeling?”
“I’m interrupting her. She’s annoyed.”
“How do you know she’s annoyed?”
“Her face has no expression.”
I ask Sandra, “Is this true? Are you annoyed?”
Bob has misread her. Sandra says, “No, I’m worried. I see he’s irritated, and I know this means I’ll get a two-hour lecture about my not being a good wife.”
“Well, you sure do look hassled and annoyed, like I’m asking you to take out the trash. Your eyes are cold. I’m not even sure you like me. I knew you were going to say no, so I didn’t even want to ask.”
I turn back to Bob and ask, “What’s it like to predict she’s going to say no but risk asking anyway?”
“Makes me anxious, I guess,” he says. “Disappointed and anxious.”
Sandra is surprised. “Well, I don’t see any of that. I just see that you are mad and disappointed in me.”
“Bob expects you to say no, so he braces himself before he even walks over, Sandra. He hides behind a shield of powerful irritation. Bob, what do you notice about Sandra’s face now?”
“Her eyes are a little bit warmer. She’s not happy with me, but at least she is actually seeing me.”
“Sandra, as you look at Bob now, what do you see?”
“His jaw is looser, and he doesn’t look so mad at me,” she replies.
Bob anxiously predicts rejection, and Sandra anxiously predicts an angry lecture. Neither is paying attention to the other or what’s best for the relationship. I help them understand why this is. I ask Sandra to recall an earlier discussion we had about Bob’s experience as a youngster, afraid to ask his busy mother for something because she was so prickly and dismissive.
Sandra replies, “He always felt like a bother to her. I feel bad if that’s what he thinks about me, but what I see is that he is pissed, not anxious.”
“Are you pissed at her, Bob?” I ask.
“Of course I am! It’s not fair that for the last 15 years we only have sex when she wants to, which is hardly ever, and I have no say in the matter!” His face is red, and his eyes narrow.
Sandra reacts immediately.
“Bob, what do you see on her face right now?”
He says he doesn’t see anything.
“Anything?” I ask.
“She just has that cold, flat expression like she despises me.”
“Say those words again and watch her face really closely, Bob. What else do you see?”
He repeats the sentence one more time and says, “Her eyes got wider. Actually, she looks a little scared.”
Sandra’s eyes begin to water.
“Bob, ask her if that’s true. If she’s scared of you.” I request.
He does. and Sandra replies, “I’m not scared like you are about to hit me but yes, I am really worried that you are about to go off on me again.”
This time I shift their attention to Sandra’s past and why her anxiety is buried beneath a plastic, emotionless expression. Her father raged when Sandra’s mother cried, so Sandra learned quickly to hide any sign of fear or hurt. She grew up terrified of upsetting him.
By this point the couple is looking into each other’s eyes with soft compassion as they come to understand how much of their childhood has been interfering with their relationship and how little they understood about each other after so many years together.
“Let’s play now.” I suggest. “The name of the game is Light-Hearted and Connecting. If she is interested in intimacy, Sandra won’t be able to assess if she is fearful, and Bob won’t be able to relax if he senses he’s a pest. So the goal for you, Bob, is to ask Sandra to have sex with you in a way that delights her rather than scares or guilts her. See if you can let her know that she can say no, and you’ll be friendly even if you are disappointed. The goal for you, Sandra, is to say no in a way that makes Bob feel loved and cared for and that it was more than fine that he asked you. The goal is for you to feel connected after this exchange even though you aren’t going to have sex.”
This is very hard for Bob at first. He doesn’t know how to anticipate rejection while at the same time showing Sandra that he’s an ally. He tries a few different phrases, but none of them feel friendly to Sandra.
“His face is still kind of stormy and that worries me,” she confesses.
“Maybe you could give Bob a little coaching. Show him what might work.” I propose.
Sandra is game. “I like when you are silly and playful. Maybe you could strut over and act all sexy and confident. Like when you walk around after a workout flexing your muscles.”
Bob looks doubtful. “Seriously, you’d like that? It’s so goofy.”
“Exactly,“ she says. “It’s lighthearted.”
“Try it. We are just playing here,” I offer.
Bob slowly saunters toward Sandra, shaking his hips and swaying his arms. His face is lit up, and he’s laughing at himself.
Sandra immediately brightens and laughs.
Bob says, “Hey good lookin’. You haven’t had a piece of this in weeks. You gotta be hungry. Can we get it on?”
Sandra says, “I love the moves, but I hate when you say it’s been a long time since we had sex. It feels like you are blaming me and pressuring. Can you drop that part?”
Bob looks a little dejected.
I offer some encouragement. “Try it again with some different words, knowing that pressuring her dilutes your fabulous moves and puts her on the defensive.”
Bob takes a deep breath and saunters over to her while they both giggle. “Hey gorgeous, want a piece of this tonight?”
“Much better. I like it when you are silly. I don’t feel gorgeous, but I know you mean it.”
Bob beams.
“But I don’t think his good mood is going to last if I tell him I’m not interested,” Sandra worries.
We shift to focusing on how she might decline the offer in a way that keeps Bob in present time, as an adult who is seen and wanted. Sandra also requires a few attempts to get just right for Bob. We learn that he wants her to acknowledge that he’s attractive and that she loves him, even if it’s not a night for sex.
“I love my sexy hunk,” Sandra says. “Not right now but maybe later?”
I ask Sandra, “You ended that sentence with a question mark. Is later really a possibility, or are you afraid to just say no?”
Fear is very much the case, and we explore the unpleasant reality that Bob’s loud tantrums and lectures over the years have left a deep mark. Sandra is doubtful that there is a way she can safely say no.
After a few different iterations Sandra spontaneously reaches for Bob’s face and pulls him in for a peck on the lips. “I love my sexy hunk. Tonight is a no for me, but I am glad you asked, and I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Come sit next to me and let’s watch a show.”
Bob loves the kiss, her praise, the brightness in her eyes, and the invitation to sit with her. He says he is disappointed but feels closer to Sandra than he did before he asked.
Sandra is relieved to hear this.
Neither is convinced that this playful approach will work when they get home, however. They agree to practice, but Bob says, “I don’t understand how this is going to help us have more sex.”
Sandra slaps her hands on her thighs angrily. “See? It always comes back to frequency for him. He will never be satisfied.”
I reassure Bob and Sandra that while their skepticism is normal, it is critical that they practice steering each other with delight and care. Sex is complex. What partners want and what feels good changes all the time so couples must be able to direct each other without fear, guilt or manipulation if they want to feel safe with each other to navigate challenging sexual terrain.
Within the first 30 seconds of a sexual proposal, partners can demonstrate to each other that they are seen, known, and cared for regardless of the sexual outcome. For couples with sexual desire differences, this strategy will go a long way in changing their stuck sexual pattern.